Life fucking sucks sometimes…

Life fucking sucks sometimes…

Sometimes this wonderful tool called the Internet can be a beautiful thing. At other times, it can break one’s heart. No matter how long or how much we think we know people we’ve met online, we are still subject to disappointment by those same people.

Many of you who read my blog know me rather well and know my life story. I grew up feeling a very strong sense of conditional love from my family. As long as I was doing what was expected of me, everything was fine. If I ever strayed from the expectation, it wasn’t pretty, and I was, at times, even cut off from contact with my family over choices I made in my life.

Several years ago, I met a group of friends that, for the first time in my life other than my grandmother, I felt loved me unconditionally. Right now, my heart is breaking because I don’t feel that from them right now. I won’t go so far as to say they DO love me conditionally, but I’m just saying that right now I FEEL that way. Yeah, feelings can be a BITCH! This is SO fucking hard on me because it caught me completely off-guard.

I guess one of the things that amazes me in all of this is how quickly my thought processes have turned back to how I felt all those years ago as a child. I have turned to old vices out of emotions that I thought I had long since conquered. I’m not sleeping, I’ve been smoking all day (quit over 5 years ago), and all I want to do it curl up in a ball somewhere and have a good fucking long cry. Hell, maybe that’s what I SHOULD do. I have no idea if it would make me feel better, but I certainly don’t think I could feel any worse, that’s for damned sure.

I have still managed to stay on track with my eating, but it’s been a struggle. I literally stood at the peanut butter aisle in the grocery store for nearly 10 minutes talking myself out of buying 4 jars of peanut butter which I was fully planning to bring home and use for a binge. I didn’t do it, but it was SURE tempting. The thing that stopped me from actually doing it was my thoughts immediately went to the idea of purging and that is a path I do NOT want to go down again.

I don’t know what is ultimately going to happen with all of this, but I know it fucking hurts like hell right now!

Friday Fiver

The Friday Fiver:

Name your favorite brands for the following products:

1. Cola: Diet Rite Cola, if that’s not available, Diet Coke

2. Sneakers: Nike Air Zoom Swift

3. Hair care: Nioxin

4. Small electronics: My new Palm Tungsten T5

5. Automobile: Hmmm, that one is tough. I’m trying to decide if I want to keep my current car until the Saturn Sky comes out in 2007.

A Good Kind of Tired

Today was a long, but productive day. It was my first day back in the office after being off a week on vacation. Most of the morning was spent catching up on email and voicemail. The afternoon was spent trying to get back up to speed on various projects.

This evening, I went to my first meeting with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training organization. I will be participating in the Long Beach Marathon on Sunday, October 16 with TNT.

The latter part of the evening was spent playing Canasta on Pogo with a friend. I was also introduced to the Internet Wayback Machine tonight and had a blast going back and looking at the old archives of some favorite websites.

Remember me?

Hey…remember me?

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been SO many months since I made a blog entry. My life has been so crazy, but I’ve made it through. I’m actually starting to stitch again and have a couple of different projects in rotation right now.

I’ve also managed to get myself back on track with my weight loss. In the months following my separation almost a year ago, I ended up regaining almost 40 pounds. I’ve managed to get rid of about half of that. I’ve still not made it back down into Onederland, but I’m working on it.

I’ll try to not let QUITE so much time pass before my next entry. For now though, it’s off to bed.