Life fucking sucks sometimes…
Sometimes this wonderful tool called the Internet can be a beautiful thing. At other times, it can break one’s heart. No matter how long or how much we think we know people we’ve met online, we are still subject to disappointment by those same people.
Many of you who read my blog know me rather well and know my life story. I grew up feeling a very strong sense of conditional love from my family. As long as I was doing what was expected of me, everything was fine. If I ever strayed from the expectation, it wasn’t pretty, and I was, at times, even cut off from contact with my family over choices I made in my life.
Several years ago, I met a group of friends that, for the first time in my life other than my grandmother, I felt loved me unconditionally. Right now, my heart is breaking because I don’t feel that from them right now. I won’t go so far as to say they DO love me conditionally, but I’m just saying that right now I FEEL that way. Yeah, feelings can be a BITCH! This is SO fucking hard on me because it caught me completely off-guard.
I guess one of the things that amazes me in all of this is how quickly my thought processes have turned back to how I felt all those years ago as a child. I have turned to old vices out of emotions that I thought I had long since conquered. I’m not sleeping, I’ve been smoking all day (quit over 5 years ago), and all I want to do it curl up in a ball somewhere and have a good fucking long cry. Hell, maybe that’s what I SHOULD do. I have no idea if it would make me feel better, but I certainly don’t think I could feel any worse, that’s for damned sure.
I have still managed to stay on track with my eating, but it’s been a struggle. I literally stood at the peanut butter aisle in the grocery store for nearly 10 minutes talking myself out of buying 4 jars of peanut butter which I was fully planning to bring home and use for a binge. I didn’t do it, but it was SURE tempting. The thing that stopped me from actually doing it was my thoughts immediately went to the idea of purging and that is a path I do NOT want to go down again.
I don’t know what is ultimately going to happen with all of this, but I know it fucking hurts like hell right now!
