July 2006Monthly Archives

I haven’t updated here in a while because I’ve been very out of sorts over the past several days. I learned on Saturday (July 22) that my ex-husband Mark passed away on Friday night. I feel like I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster since then, and have basically been hiding from most of the world, with the exception of a few of my closest friends that I let know what was going on right now.

There is one part of me that feels a deep sense of sadness for his family. Even though I was no longer married to him, I have maintained a close relationship with his family. He had rarely been in contact with his family over the couple of years since he and I split up, but I know they are in a great deal of pain over this. I think the most difficult part for them is the uncertainty of how he died. Sadly, it will be several weeks before they do know because the Coroner won’t provide the cause of death until toxicology results are available. There is definitely a strong suspicion among everyone that he probably took his own life, but we all hope our fears are wrong.

Another part of the sadness comes from that, if suspicions are true, he felt he had no other options than this. Yes, I realize that he made certain choices in his life and that he basically ostracized himself from those closest to him in many ways. Even with that, it’s still sad to think that someone feels so painted into a corner that there is no way to go on with life. I’ve been there, and I know that feeling all too well. I’m grateful that when I was in that place that I was able to get the help I needed to see my way through it and still be around today. It saddens me to think that he was so overwhelmed with his life situation that he felt this choice outweighed the pain and sadness those left behind would feel.

Another part of me feels a sense of relief for him. He struggled many years with bipolar disorder. There were rare times, even medicated, that just getting through the day was extremely difficult for him. He was also severely asthmatic which made something as simple and automatic as breathing difficult for him. I’m thankful he is now free from the inner struggles and turmoil that affected him most of his life.

There is another layer of relief that I feel as well, but it’s more for me and his family. He lived most of his life with a strong expectation that others should take care of him and, accordingly, he opted not to take responsibility for his own actions or to work in order to fulfill his financial needs. As a result of this, he had used up most of his relationships not only with friends, but his family as well. The relief comes from knowing none of us will again have to worry about having him call or show up on our doorsteps asking for money and then lashing out at us in anger when we refuse.

I guess the last layer of emotions is a feeling of guilt. I feel guilty that I feel relieved to know I won’t have to deal with him again. I feel guilty that he reached out to me via email a few weeks ago and I told him never to contact me again. Any love I once felt for him has long since been over because of his repeated infidelity and the mental torment he put me through during the divorce. Yet, if I had realized that he might have been reaching out to me to let me know how desperate things were for him, I would have at least taken the time to listen to him and try to point him in the right direction to get whatever help he needed to get on his feet. Instead, on Monday I’ll be going to his funeral. Tuesday would have been his 43rd birthday. I hope you find the peace for which you were searching, Mark.

Yes, I do realize the guilt I’m feeling is irrational, but sometimes logic simply doesn’t prevail when emotions are involved. I realize that I shouldn’t feel quilty because I had no control over the choices he made in his life. I had no control over the fact that he chose not to be faithful in our marriage. I had no control over the fact that he chose not to work and be a partner in our marriage. I had no control over the fact that when things weren’t going well for him that he would lash out at me. These were his choices, and he ultimately paid the consequences for those choices when I ended our marriage. So, yes I do realize it, but it still doesn’t keep me from feeling guilty, because I’m the type of person who deeply takes things to heart. So, while that’s a good quality and helps me feel a great sense of compassion for my fellow man, it also means I often deal with taking on guilt and emotions that I shouldn’t.

I think a lot of this is more intensified today because, at the request of his family, I wrote his obituary. It gave me cause to reflect and wonder what my own obituary would say in the event something happened to me. How would people feel? Would people be sad? What would people say? Would I be missed? Would anyone even realize I was gone? I think all of these questions milling about in my thoughts have just helped to reinforce in me the importance of those closest in my life. It’s helped me see even more how I want my life to mean something. I want my life to be more than just that I got up each day, went to work, came home and spent the evening watching TV. My hope is that ultimately when the end of my life does come, that at least one person in this world will say, “Wow, she made this world a better place and I will miss her.”

Happy stitching, and happy living …