Sorry for the long gap since my last update. Life has been very chaotic for me lately as I’ve been dealing with some PTSD issues that have once again cropped up in my life.
Ok, so I’m sitting here watching The Biggest Loser off my DVR and crying my eyes out right now. The cast is in New York getting makeovers and Renee just said something that hit home so hard with me that I literally had to pause the show to come here and write about it.
Here is what she said:
“The Renee I saw in the mirror, even a few months ago, was not somebody I loved and not somebody I wanted to be. I wasn’t proud of myself. I think I was more ashamed of myself.”
I don’t think any one person could sum up so succinctly exactly how I feel if they tried! I don’t love myself right now. I’m completely ashamed over how I look and how much of my weight I’ve regained.
So often, I feel completely overwhelmed with the long journey I’m once again facing considering how close to my goal I was five years ago. I need to find a way to connect to the ME that’s hidden away somewhere deep within all this fat so that I CAN love myself again. I need to start loving myself enough to recognize that I AM worth this. If I can find that person within, perhaps one day I’ll also be able to utter the words the next words that Renee said:
“BUT, I’m proud to say that I’m not that Renee anymore, nor will I ever be. I’m proud of who I am today.”
At the start of the season, I wasn’t really sure how long Renee would last on the show. I wasn’t always sure initially if her heart was really in it. Clearly, it was!
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6 users responded in this post
(((Hugs))), Melissa. I understand how you feel. In 2006, I had lost 102 pounds and then put back on 69 of them over the next 2 years. I have been working to take those off again and get even lower to finally hit my goal. It was so frustrating to struggle with the same weight that I struggled with just a few years before, and oh boy did I berate myself.
I still cannot claim feelings like Renee’s “after” statement, but I am proud that I am making steps back to my goal instead of watching the scale climb again. They have a unique opportunity on TBL, and get to check out of regular life for a period of time with all of the tools and support. Weight loss becomes their job. We have to figure out how to navigate this within and around our lives, and that is so hard and so discouraging sometimes.
You will find the “click” and make the journey back to where you were weight-wise. I know you will. You certainly have it in you because you did it before. So even if you have slid a bit,please be proud of what you can do in so many areas of your life.
Melissa,
I’m so sorry you are feeling down. From the short time I spent with you in California I think you are a beautiful person inside and out!! I know how it is though to get down about your weight. I do often, but all we can do is look to the future. There’s nothing we can do about the past! I have been trying to do 20 min. a day on the treadmill. I know it’s now a lot, but for me it is! Good luck and I hope you feel better! Lot of hugs!!
nicole
Thanks so much for the words of support, ladies. It means so much! It’s just nice to know that others can relate and that I’m not in this alone.
Just read this and I can relate. Cried all the way through the show.
(((Mel)))
{{{{Melissa}}}}}. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. When we met, I didn’t even notice your weight! I was just looking at our pics the other day & thought how lucky you were not to have a triple triple chin like me! LOL.
(((Melissa))) I still am having a hard time loving myself. What I discovered over the past 5 years is that my obesity was more a symptom of my mental/emotional junk than the cause, although both fed off the other. I’m not sure I’m any closer to figuring my shit out, but at least now I’ll live longer and have more time to try. ;-)
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