Living My Truth – Inspired by FitBloggin’

Truth

Wow, where to begin this post …  Warning:  It’s a loooooong one!

Over the past couple of days, I’ve been reading a lot of recap posts from this year’s FitBloggin’ conference that took place over the weekend in Baltimore .  As much as I already hated that I missed this year’s conference, I’ve hated it all the more after reading the recaps.  It sounds like it was even MORE moving and inspirational than last year’s conference that I attended, even though that’s incredibly difficult to believe.

One of the main reasons I’ve been feeling this way is due to just how much I’ve been moved from simply reading the recap posts.  Some of the Live Blog session transcripts have literally left me in tears.  (I’m lookin’ at you Self-Acceptance & Weight Loss and When You Have a Lot to Lose!)  If I’d actually been there in person, I’m sure I would have been a total basket case and blubbering idiot the whole weekend, and I don’t cry pretty. blush

Several of my favorite bloggers have written specifically about their thoughts on the Self-Acceptance & Weight Loss session or just about the whole general concept of self-acceptance.  Here are a few that have really resonated with me:

  • Karen (one of the facilitators of the Self-Acceptance session)
  • Sheryl
  • Steve
  • Jen
  • Patty
  • Tara (she sums up so beautifully exactly how I feel about FitBloggin’ — family!)

Before I go on with the rest of my post, I wanted to let you know that the facilitators of the Self-Acceptance session (Karen, Shauna, and Mara) have also made an ebook on the topic available in PDF format.  It’s called Self-Acceptance 101 and can be downloaded here (scroll to the bottom of the page).

So, what does all this have to do with me and truth?  Reading all these purely raw gut-wrenching posts really made me take a long hard look at myself and where I am with self-acceptance.  It’s really easy for me to slap on a big smile and be the life of the party, but deep down inside, where it really counts, am I really happy with where I am in my life?  The answer is no.

I often say to not only myself, but to close friends who know my story, that I don’t regret any of my past because it’s made me into the person that I am today, but that’s not entirely true.  I have been through things that I would never wish on another person (incest survivor, rape victim, abusive marriage, substance abuse, etc.).  My regret comes from the fact that as a human being I had to survive these things.

  • I regret that my family still refuses the acknowledge the abuse I suffered and that it’s driven a wedge between us to the point we’re basically estranged.
  • I regret that I turned to food to comfort me (and still do at times).
  • I regret that I took so long to acknowledge the abuse I suffered.
  • I regret that I didn’t honor the little girl within me who was in so much pain.
  • I regret that I let myself get into horrible relationships simply because I yearned to be loved by someone because I didn’t have enough love for myself to survive alone.

Yeah, there’s a lot of regret.  More than all of those other things combined though, I regret that I’ve not really used the lessons I’ve learned through all this to help encourage others struggling down the same road.

I’ll never forgot the first time I actually summoned the courage to tell someone about the abuse I’d experienced as a child.  I was living in Nashville at the time and poured my soul out to a friend because I was just hurting so much.  I knew if I didn’t share it with someone that I was just going to slowly die inside … or worse.  She listened so intently for probably three or four hours, never interrupting.  She just let me spill it all out, cry, wail, and at times, when I needed it, just sit silently and comfort me.  When we were finished, she gave me one of the biggest hugs I still believe I’ve ever experienced in my life.  She took my face in her hands and said,

“You have been through so much and yet here you stand.  You are brave.  You are a survivor.  You are strength.  One day, after you’ve dealt with all of this, you will be able to help so many women who have gone through the same things.”

Even though that conversation happened 25 years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday.  That was the first step I ever took toward healing.  Believe me, it definitely got far more painful before it got better.  I went through years of therapy, a couple of suicide attempts, medication, and hospitalization for severe depression/PTSD during the process — sometimes voluntary, other times, not.  But, I came through it.

Was it an easy journey?  Fuck, no!  I’m not even going to begin to pretend that it was, but it was something I had to do.  I confronted my abuser (who denies it to this day).  I admitted to my parents what had happened to me which wasn’t easy given I grew up in an extremely conservative and deeply religious family.  On top of that, I also admitted to my mother at the same time that I’m bisexual.  I’m sure you can imagine just how well that went over, too. The healing of my inner soul took a lot of years.  There was just so much I had to get out  and work through during that process for me to begin to heal so I could not only survive, but so I could finally start to actually thrive.

It’s kind of ironic considering I’ve been keeping a blog for over 10 years, but I’m inherently somewhat of a private person.  I’ve hinted here on my blog a few times about the abusive past I experienced, but I’ve never really shared about it in much detail.  Several of my closest “real life” friends know my story, but the vast majority of my coworkers, acquaintances, blogging friends, etc. have never known.  The same is true with my sexuality.  Most of my close friends know, but no one outside of my inner circle really does.  It’s not that I’m uncomfortable talking about it or that I’m ashamed of who I am, it’s just not something I feel the need to blurt out to every person I know.  I don’t want “incest survivor, rape victim, bisexual, etc.” to become what defines me.  However, after reading so many of the amazing self-acceptance posts, I felt moved to share part of my story.  I know it will only help to solidify my own self-acceptance and to realize those things, even when shared, don’t have to define me.  Rather, they can be used as a source of strength and encouragement for someone else who has gone/is going down the same path in life.

While I still struggle from time to time, the inner me has been healed.  It’s time for the outer me to reflect that healing, too. It’s time for the inner me and outer me to be whole again as one.  I can’t keep saying I love the inner me I’ve become through this healing process while still feeling hate and self-loathing at the same time toward my outward appearance due to my weight.  It’s time for me to start walking the walk and living my truth, inside and out.

Until next time …

 

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Comments: 38

  1. Carla 26 September, 2012 at 4:35 pm Reply

    Read. Reread. And I keep returning to one thought: I’m so very grateful for your friend in Nashville.

    She is wise. And right.

    xoxo

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 4:59 pm Reply

      You’re so right, Carla! She is indeed wise and I learned so much from her. xoxo

  2. Kerri O 26 September, 2012 at 4:49 pm Reply

    I wish I had something wise to say. What I know is that I love this community we have and I’m so glad you’re one of my people.
    Kerri O recently posted..Paleo Recipe – Slow Cooker Beef and Sweet Potato StewMy Profile

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 5:00 pm Reply

      I agree, Kerri! Our community, tribe, whatever one wants to call it is awesome! I’m so glad we are connected through it. )

  3. Rebecca 26 September, 2012 at 5:04 pm Reply

    You are so brave and I could feel the emotion in all your words. I hope you have a little inkling of how amazing you are.

  4. Betsy 26 September, 2012 at 5:06 pm Reply

    I am so proud of you. You ARE strength.

  5. Patty 26 September, 2012 at 5:08 pm Reply

    I love you so much my dear friend. I already knew you were an awesome lady. Now I admire your strength and commitment to live your truth. Your friends are here to love and support you…always! xoxo
    Patty recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Inner Harbor, Baltimore, MDMy Profile

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 5:29 pm Reply

      Love you back, Patty! Thanks for always being there and having my back. xoxo

  6. Thea @ It's Me Vs. Me 26 September, 2012 at 5:12 pm Reply

    Another shell broken! You are amazing.
    Thea @ It’s Me Vs. Me recently posted..Fitbloggin FeelingsMy Profile

  7. KCLAnderson (Karen) 26 September, 2012 at 5:23 pm Reply

    I REALLY missed you at Fitbloggin. You are part of the tribe and you are worthy of support and you ARE strong. The truth about acceptance is that it is so much more transformative than resistance…or denial or rejection.

    Love you!

    Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. ~ Kahlil Gibran

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 5:30 pm Reply

      Ditto, Karen! I really missed being there and being able to see you again. I downloaded the Self-Acceptance ebook and can’t wait to delve into it. Love you, too! xoxo

  8. Jody - Fit at 54 26 September, 2012 at 5:34 pm Reply

    Got here from Carla’s FB post – amazing post here! I still have to read Karen’s self-acceptance post – I need the time I ant to spend with it as I still struggle with that after all my years of working on it…..
    Jody – Fit at 54 recently posted..Better Butt & Legs – Have them Screaming for More!My Profile

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 6:09 pm Reply

      Thanks, Jody! All of the ones I linked in my post are definitely worth the read, IMO.

  9. Kris 26 September, 2012 at 5:35 pm Reply

    You are beautiful inside and out. ) I am glad your friend started you on the path of discovering that about yourself, or I’d never had had the honor of meeting you and being your friend. Love you!

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 6:14 pm Reply

      Thanks, Kris! I’m really glad she did as well and that we met. So thankful to have you as a part of my life!!! Love you! xoxo

  10. Ann S. 26 September, 2012 at 6:18 pm Reply

    If you step back and try to divorce yourself from this blog and read it objectively as if you weren’t you – what would you get from it?

    You are a brave and wise woman. You have had (and have) some wonderful people in your life who love you, no matter what happened to you. You are strong, you will persevere, and you honor yourself daily with what you do to better yourself – mentally, physically, and emotionally.

    That’s what I get from it.

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 6:49 pm Reply

      Thanks, Ann! It’s not really easy to step back and separate myself from it having lived it, but I totally see your point. )

  11. Steve 26 September, 2012 at 6:32 pm Reply

    My “awe” for everyone grows everyday. You are so brave, and to go through everything you have gone though, and to come out on the end as such an incredible person…wow. Seriously, wow.

    Thank you for posting this, and for being you, and for coming to Fitbloggin next year so I can hug the snot out of you. )
    Steve recently posted..With humility and gratitude.My Profile

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 6:50 pm Reply

      lol I <3 you so much, Steve! Can’t wait to see you in Portland and I will definitely be expecting my snot-extracting hug!

  12. Shari 26 September, 2012 at 6:54 pm Reply

    I can’t say anything to you that hasn’t already been said by these awesome people – just know I love you and am sending big hugs your way =)

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 6:55 pm Reply

      Thanks, Shari! Love you back! xoxo

  13. Christy M. 26 September, 2012 at 7:31 pm Reply

    Mel, I love you dearly! You’ve been there for me when I needed to vent and whine and get out the ugly, and I truly appreciate you. I think you are amazing, and I believe you help a lot more people than you realize!

    LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!
    Christy M. recently posted..Weekly Check In / September 26My Profile

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 11:02 pm Reply

      Girl, you know I am here for you ANY time you need to vent, whine, bitch, etc. You’re pretty amazeballs yourself. Love you!! xoxo

  14. Sylvia 26 September, 2012 at 7:47 pm Reply

    I was so lucky to attend both those sessions but never had the courage last enough to get up and talk. My mind goes back to those sessions over and over again. I will go to FitBloggin 13 just to have that opportunity again. To be in the presence of those brave souls changes you.

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 11:04 pm Reply

      Sylvia – Thank you so much for commenting! I hope we can get to know each other better over the next 9 months until we can meet in person at Portland. )

  15. Alex 26 September, 2012 at 8:28 pm Reply

    Wow. All I can say is that I have so much respect for your courage.
    Alex recently posted..Quote of the Day: Being AwesomeMy Profile

  16. AnnG 26 September, 2012 at 8:29 pm Reply

    Wow!! What an awesome amazing post! Honestly I haven’t been reading tre Fitbloggin posts because I didn’t want to “hear” it but I’m glad I read yours…lots to think about for my own situation!!

  17. Terri 26 September, 2012 at 9:53 pm Reply

    I love you.

    • TheDailyMel 26 September, 2012 at 11:06 pm Reply

      Love you, too!! BFFs for life! I can’t wait to see you again at Thanksgiving. xoxo

  18. Suzanne 27 September, 2012 at 5:05 am Reply

    After reading this post, I Admire your more…and I didn’t think that was possible, because you have always been an inspiration to me. I’m so glad you are at a place where you could finally open up and “put it all out there”. I know it wasn’t easy to put the words down on paper so to speak…but you DID! I’m SO SO SO proud of you – you are strong, you are brave, you ARE a survivor…and I love you for being YOU )

    • Melissa (The Daily Mel) 27 September, 2012 at 10:27 am Reply

      Thanks, Suz!! You’ve been so supportive of me for so many years and I truly value your friendship! xoxo

  19. Renée @pinkypie 27 September, 2012 at 10:36 am Reply

    I don’t know what to say Melissa, except I love you, I adore you even, I DO think you are brave and strong. You are those things to me and so many people. I too don’t talk about a lot of stuff in the open, not because I’m afraid but I also don’t want to be defined by that stuff. That’s why I really admire you and I’m honored to be along for the ride while you get the outside as incredibly awesome as the inside. xx
    Renée @pinkypie recently posted..Wednesday Food Fail?My Profile

  20. Brenda 27 September, 2012 at 11:24 am Reply

    Melissa you have always been an inspiration to me. You never give up, no matter what life throws at you. After reading your blog, I must say that you are awesome. You are strength!

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