Sometimes Life is Hard

Warning:  This post is kind of a rambling and personal brain dump.  Feel free to skip it if you want.  I promise I won’t be offended.

Life is Hard

Sometime, life is hard, especially when emotional baggage is involved.  For me, this week has been hard … really hard. I feel almost guilty saying that, too.  In light of what the victims in Boston are going through, it feels really petty to say my life has been hard this week, but you know what? It has been.  My emotions have been beating up on me and I’m just spent.  What I really want to do this weekend is just curl up into a ball, sleep, and ignore the world, but I can’t.  I have things that have to be done, so in true Southern woman fashion, I’ll just suck it up, slap on a smile, and move ahead.

I don’t really have much of a relationship with my immediate family (long story), so we very rarely talk to each other and see each other even less.  So, when an occasion arises where I do have to interact with them, it definitely makes an impact.

This week was one of those times.  I found out from my dad via email on Wednesday morning that my mom had been recently diagnosed with scoliosis (which the doctor said she’s likely had for YEARS) and had undergone corrective surgery on Tuesday at a hospital just outside of Nashville (about 90 miles from where they live).  Yes, I found out via email the day after she’d had surgery after never having been told she’d been diagnosed.  Yeah, that’s just how my family rolls.

Being the dutiful daughter, I’ve called the hospital several times to check in on her condition.  Thankfully, she’s doing well and is being released today to go home.  I’ve actually spoken with my parents more this week than I probably have in the past five years combined.

Speaking with them as much as I have this week brought up a flood of memories of the reasons why our relationship fractured in the first place.  It brought up memories from my childhood that 10+ years of therapy wasn’t been able to exorcise.  It’s been rough.  It’s been painful.  It’s been exhausting.

I guess the thing I’ve actually hated most about this week is that it’s also been a horrible reminder of just how far I have to go to conquer emotional eating.  After every conversation with my parents, I found myself within the hour eating crap food.  A couple of times I hit the vending machine at work and got candy bars.  Once, when it was closer to lunch time, I went to the cafeteria and instead of getting my usual salad, went to the grill and ordered a cheeseburger and fries.  It’s as if all the lessons I’ve learned from Weight Watchers just flew right out the window.  I was an emotional basketcase and, quite frankly, didn’t give a fuck in that moment of what I was shoving in my mouth.  I just wanted something to fill that gaping black hole of memories that had been ripped open yet again.

I really wish I could say that after 40+ years of dealing with these childhood issues that I’d finally conquered them, but I know I haven’t.  In fact, I don’t even know if I ever will.  I just know that I really want to work on finding better ways to cope with these emotions when they come up rather than immediately turning to crap food.

I know it’s going to be ugly when I step on the scale tomorrow at my Weight Watchers meeting.  Even though I know that, I’m still going to go and face the scale.  Ignoring it won’t change what happened, so I might as well face the music and own up to it.

I don’t really know why I’m writing about all this.  Perhaps I just needed to spew it all out here in order to get it out of my head so I can move forward.  I know that just keeping it bottled up inside definitely doesn’t serve me well, so perhaps putting it out there here on my blog will.  I know this has been totally random, so thanks for putting up with my spewing stream of consciousness this morning.

Until next time …

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Comments: 24

  1. Brenda 20 April, 2013 at 2:04 pm Reply

    I’m a bit older that you, and still trying to figure it out. HUGS to you dear Melissa!

  2. Lisa Marie Gehret 20 April, 2013 at 2:05 pm Reply

    Mel, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would one of your best friends. Everyone has problems, believe me. I think its admirable that you are going to face the scale tomorrow. But when tomorrow comes and you feel like staying home curled up in your jammies, you could do that too. No judgement. Give yourself the love yougive to all your friends!

  3. Tracy 20 April, 2013 at 5:22 pm Reply

    I want to extend my well wishes for you to start to recover. You shouldn’t feel guilty about your feelings, even in the light of national events. I recently went through an ordeal myself and had to learn to cope, I documented my progress on that issue if you are interested in learning how I dealt with it. You can find it @ http://www.tajinaz7.blogspot.com
    Also, it might be good for you to eat comfort food (on occasion) when things are tough. My personal opinion is that it is better to be happy and content on the inside than fitting into the American ideal of what is acceptable regarding looks and attraction (within reason of course). Most people are loved and appreciated based on their personality and demeanor and not their physical attributes.

  4. Jessie 20 April, 2013 at 5:40 pm Reply

    Ah, Mel! I’m sorry you had a rough week. Be kind to yourself. *hugs*
    Jessie recently posted..Freeze-FrameMy Profile

  5. Suzanne 20 April, 2013 at 6:42 pm Reply

    Mel – THIS is why I love you. Your honesty and openness. Thank you for that. Hey, we are all human, and we each have our own way of dealing with issues – loss, family matters, etc. Emotions play into everything, it’s just which emotion and how our individual personalities react. I’m am emotional eater too, and yes, it’s not pretty. I also cry easily and I hate confrontation – usually at any cost, so I will chose not to confront and internalize – then blow up at something trivial.

    It’s been a bad week for us as a nation. Here’s to a better week , month and year ahead. Kick some @$$ and take names later. I know you, this is just a blip on the radar for you. You will come back stronger.

    As for family, well…..let me just say, it’s a good thing we can pick our FRIENDS….((((((Big HUGS))))))

  6. Becky Martinez-Goyette 21 April, 2013 at 2:58 pm Reply

    Hi there…

    I too have struggled, and still do, with eating my emotions…especially when it comes to family. I am the 6th and last child and am currently the sole caregiver for both of my parents. Growing up I struggled with eating to soothe the pain from my dad’s alcoholism. Now that my family and I live with my parents full time and they are no longer driving or able to do many day to day things like cooking and shopping, it is super difficult. My dad still drinks beer, enough to make him mean sometimes, but even without it he is not pleasant or thankful that I am here to help. My first year at WW was very successful…down 83 pounds of 150 to lose. January of last year started my 2nd year of WW…my dad had a stroke, my mom stopped driving in June, and they both fell in November. Over the course of the year I gained back 20 pounds. This year I have gone up and down the same 5 pounds over and over. As time goes on it is more and more difficult to eat well on a consistant basis. With several medications to keep track of, doctor appointments, 2 kids, and a husband, we haven’t been able to get a routine going…everytime I think we have a good schedule going, something comes up to change it. This happens often!!! I injured my foot about a month ago, and I have not been able to be as active…no Zumba, no Spin, no Step Class. I hurt my arm and shoulder last year so I can’t even do many arm exercises. I am hoping iI heal soon so I can get back to exercise which I really love to do and is my only stress releiver. You are not alone in your struggles. Just keep at it…one day at a time.

  7. Terri 21 April, 2013 at 3:58 pm Reply

    Dear, dear Melissa. I know it’s hard for you right now, but please try to remember that as long as they’re alive, they’re going to be part of your life — a sometimes ugly part that will rear its head and smack you around a bit before slinking back into the back of your mind.

    Eat that hamburger. Where’s the peanut butter???? Feed that sorrow. You know it’s going to happen, just as it’s happened in the past. It’s your life. You know life is going to get in the way every now and then, but I know you’re a fighter and you won’t let it keep you down for long.

    Don’t beat yourself up for self-medicating. You’ll be “well” again shortly and you’ll get right back on track where you need to be. Your mental wellness is just as important, if not more so, than your physical wellness and if it sometimes takes a candy bar (or 3) or a hamburger or double scoop of ice cream to get you mentally back in the grove, have a scoop on me. I love you.
    Terri recently posted..Finally a photo updateMy Profile

  8. Diane in Wisconsin 21 April, 2013 at 5:56 pm Reply

    I feel your pain.

  9. Jody - Fit at 55 21 April, 2013 at 7:57 pm Reply

    I have lots of family crap too so …. HUGS!!!!!!!! I have learned to get thru it though but I have been at this a long time with the eating healthy & just using what I call my willpower or willingness to not lewt others & other stuff ruin my hard work. Don’t get me wrong, there arr times I emotionally eat, I get it, I own it & move on – that is all we can do… Own it Mel, know that it is not you, move on & don’t let it hinder you as best possible. Again, I get the family crap so it is HARD – but I just tell myself I have to do what is best for me no matter how hard.

    Also, may some of this be hormones. OMG, I went thru so much – anger, depression, withdrawal & more..

    Email me if I can help – HUGS!!!!
    Jody – Fit at 55 recently posted..Do What You Love & Love What You Do! Tin Foil as Fabric Softener Update!My Profile

  10. Annette 22 April, 2013 at 8:58 am Reply

    I’ve been beating myself up this year over my negative “progress” and not making WW a priority, yadda yadda yadda….

    But honestly, every day is a gift. Sometimes you get a toy surprise and sometimes you find the bug in the bottom. Own it and move on )

    Do what makes you happy and the rest can bugger off. Love you.
    Annette recently posted..Stars for a New Millennium – Eva Marie SaintMy Profile

  11. Patty 22 April, 2013 at 9:16 am Reply

    Sending you lots of love and HUGS because the tough days are stinkers. xoxo
    Hoping this week is a better week )
    Patty recently posted..Saturday’s Vlog 4.20.13My Profile

  12. Amy 22 April, 2013 at 9:17 am Reply

    Dear Mel,
    Be gentle with yourself.
    You mention that you feel that all of the lessons learned from WW seem to have flown out the window, but I would gently challenge you to reframe that.
    If they really had flown out the window, would you have taken the time to sit and blog about it and reflect on what you are doing incorrectly so that next time you might be able to make better choices.
    We all have off days. We all make decisions that feel like they are going to be the best for us at the time (but then turn out to bits us in the ass later), so own it. REALLY. OWN. IT.
    People make mistakes. people slide back.
    But just like alcoholics, it took us years to develop addictions to eating as a way to stuff our pain and emotions. You need to stand up, brush yourself off and say that now is a new time, now is a new day.
    You got this.
    -Amy
    Amy recently posted..The point two will getcha?My Profile

  13. Sue 22 April, 2013 at 9:23 am Reply

    You are a wonderful person, and if you need food for solace from time to time, so be it. I can truly relate to that inkling. I am sorry for the recent opening of wounds with your family. Your friends love you, and we accept you for who you are–and with admiration, on top of it!

    I’ve met you in person a few times, and I still remember your beaming smile, quick wit, and all around fun and caring ways. You are loved, and valuable.
    Sue recently posted..Quaker Diamonds- A New StartMy Profile

  14. Ann (WG) 22 April, 2013 at 10:54 am Reply

    Mel,
    It’s ok to eat when you are stressed out or sad. It’s ok if you fall off the wagon. It’s ok that it’s an emotional crutch – we all have them, and some are more destructive than others.

    It’s ok. You’re going to get back on track, you’re going to fall off again – it’s part of life. But as you have shown (us, yourself, and everyone else) time and time again, it’s not who YOU are. You are not your parents, you are NOT weak, and you are not a person who should beat herself up over a cheeseburger and fries. {{hug}}

    You are not the food you eat.
    Food is fuel.
    It’s physical fuel.
    Sometimes it’s mental fuel.
    Sometimes it’s emotional fuel.
    Any way you look at it – it’s a necessary thing to continue existing.

    It’s ok to turn to a crutch food, and spew everything out in a blog entry, to get past what you’re dealing with emotionally. In the long run, it’s out there (it’s not bottled up, as you said), and it helps, right? You step on the scale, you go for a run, you get past it, and you feel better. {{{hug}}}

  15. Valerie 22 April, 2013 at 11:39 am Reply

    Oh Mel, don’t beat yourself up over the hamburger and candy bars. Sometimes life is rough and it takes you for a roller coaster and we do things that bring us comfort. For me it’s baked goods, ice cream and fries. Not all at the same time…ick! You’re aware of it and you facing it at your WW meeting. And we’re always here to listen and support you when you’re going through a rough time. *hugs*

  16. Kenlie 23 April, 2013 at 12:19 am Reply

    First, I have to say that I love that I have to do math in order to leave you a comment, but in all seriousness, you’re an incredible person that I’m lucky to know.

    It’s impossible for me to comprehend those feelings that lead you to emotional eating, but I am well-versed in the latter part. We’ve both learned what we should eat, how much, etc. but those reasons that led us to obesity in the first place seem to take over during times in which we have to face them.

    I’m sorry that you’ve had to face them lately, but I’m so inspired by something that you said..”Ignoring it won’t change what happened, so I might as well face the music and own up to it.” These are the words of a beautiful, determined, brilliant woman who knows exactly what she’s doing.

    Maybe our hearts will always be a little tarnished due to the hurt we suffered, but your resolve and your desire to be the best version of yourself outshines that every single day.

    You are respected, and you are loved….
    Kenlie recently posted..A Question For Weight Watchers MembersMy Profile

  17. Sheila 25 April, 2013 at 2:27 pm Reply

    Don’t ever give up on yourself. You are worth it. I do Weight Watchers too and the program is designed to have those set back days so tell yourself that tomorrow you will just eat better.

  18. Amy Gladwell 29 April, 2013 at 7:28 am Reply

    Thanks for sharing this post Melissa, it’s good to get this off your chest.

    Even though your going through a rough patch I want you to know you will come out the other end stronger. Remember, a caterpillar has to go through discomfort to become a butterfly )

  19. Maxine 1 May, 2013 at 6:12 am Reply

    Melissa, it’s definitely good to get this out. Big hugs my friend, hope you feel better soon )

  20. Maria 2 May, 2013 at 4:49 am Reply

    Really appreciate you sharing this with us, in my opinion it’s very important to do. Don’t ever give up or quit on yourself ) Remember, tough times don’t last…but tough people do.

  21. Renee 8 May, 2013 at 8:34 am Reply

    Thank you for sharing. Although it must be very difficult, it’s good to get this out in the open. You have support out there and you are not alone.
    Renee recently posted..Back to Life MachineMy Profile

  22. Andie 8 May, 2013 at 6:21 pm Reply

    I would say that it’s really true that sometimes life is hard, because we know we have a lot challenges in our life. But we should to know how to handle it and we need to be strong.

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