Apr 20 2013

Sometimes Life is Hard

Posted on 20 April, 2013 by TheDailyMel

Warning: This post is kind of a rambling and personal brain dump. Feel free to skip it if you want. I promise I won’t be offended.

Life is Hard

Sometime, life is hard, especially when emotional baggage is involved. For me, this week has been hard … really hard. I feel almost guilty saying that, too. In light of what the victims in Boston are going through, it feels really petty to say my life has been hard this week, but you know what? It has been. My emotions have been beating up on me and I’m just spent. What I really want to do this weekend is just curl up into a ball, sleep, and ignore the world, but I can’t. I have things that have to be done, so in true Southern woman fashion, I’ll just suck it up, slap on a smile, and move ahead.

I don’t really have much of a relationship with my immediate family (long story), so we very rarely talk to each other and see each other even less. So, when an occasion arises where I do have to interact with them, it definitely makes an impact.

This week was one of those times. I found out from my dad via email on Wednesday morning that my mom had been recently diagnosed with scoliosis (which the doctor said she’s likely had for YEARS) and had undergone corrective surgery on Tuesday at a hospital just outside of Nashville (about 90 miles from where they live). Yes, I found out via email the day after she’d had surgery after never having been told she’d been diagnosed. Yeah, that’s just how my family rolls.

Being the dutiful daughter, I’ve called the hospital several times to check in on her condition. Thankfully, she’s doing well and is being released today to go home. I’ve actually spoken with my parents more this week than I probably have in the past five years combined.

Speaking with them as much as I have this week brought up a flood of memories of the reasons why our relationship fractured in the first place. It brought up memories from my childhood that 10+ years of therapy wasn’t been able to exorcise. It’s been rough. It’s been painful. It’s been exhausting.

I guess the thing I’ve actually hated most about this week is that it’s also been a horrible reminder of just how far I have to go to conquer emotional eating. After every conversation with my parents, I found myself within the hour eating crap food. A couple of times I hit the vending machine at work and got candy bars. Once, when it was closer to lunch time, I went to the cafeteria and instead of getting my usual salad, went to the grill and ordered a cheeseburger and fries. It’s as if all the lessons I’ve learned from Weight Watchers just flew right out the window. I was an emotional basketcase and, quite frankly, didn’t give a fuck in that moment of what I was shoving in my mouth. I just wanted something to fill that gaping black hole of memories that had been ripped open yet again.

I really wish I could say that after 40+ years of dealing with these childhood issues that I’d finally conquered them, but I know I haven’t. In fact, I don’t even know if I ever will. I just know that I really want to work on finding better ways to cope with these emotions when they come up rather than immediately turning to crap food.

I know it’s going to be ugly when I step on the scale tomorrow at my Weight Watchers meeting. Even though I know that, I’m still going to go and face the scale. Ignoring it won’t change what happened, so I might as well face the music and own up to it.

I don’t really know why I’m writing about all this. Perhaps I just needed to spew it all out here in order to get it out of my head so I can move forward. I know that just keeping it bottled up inside definitely doesn’t serve me well, so perhaps putting it out there here on my blog will. I know this has been totally random, so thanks for putting up with my spewing stream of consciousness this morning.

Until next time …

Apr 15 2013

My Thoughts on Boston

Posted on 15 April, 2013 by TheDailyMel

When I was younger, I used to be a runner. I loved the feel of the wind in my hair and the freedom running afforded me. I especially loved those times when I would get in that “zone” where I felt like I could just run forever. During those years, I had the pleasure of visiting Boston several times and running at various locations around the city. I especially loved running in the Back Bay area which is the area where the Boston Marathon finish line is located.

Now that I’m older, overweight, and had to have a knee surgery last year to repair a torn meniscus, I’m a walker. Even though I’m “just” a walker these days, I still enjoy watching marathons, triathlons, etc., and following the progress of my friends as they participate in them.

This morning I was following the progress of two friends during the race. I also had a third friend who was running Boston today, but didn’t know it until later in the day. Anyway, no sooner had I finished posting on my Facebook page to congratulate a friend on her finish than I heard the news of the explosions. Thankfully, the two other friends I had running the race both both OK as well.

The more and more news that came out, the more my heart began to ache. When the news came out that one of the fatalities was an 8-year old child, all I could do was weep and send out thoughts of condolence to the child’s family. I just can’t wrap my brain around why someone would target the finish line of a marathon for an act of terrorism. If you want to read a first-hand account of what it was like being at the explosion site, you can check out this amazing post written by Tori — Scariest Moment of my Life. I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like to be there in the midst of that chaos not knowing if my loved one was OK, whether another bomb might go off, etc.

I’ve seen a lot of speculation by people on social media over whether this was an act of an individual, a domestic terrorist group, or an international terrorist group. Personally, it doesn’t really matter to me. I just hope the authorities catch the person(s) responsible and bring them to justice.

To all of the runners who participated at Boston today, you are in my thoughts. To those who were in the area of the explosion when it happened and saw the untold horrors, you are in my thoughts that you can find peace from the memories of what you witnessed. To the people of the city of Boston, you are in my thoughts. To the families of those killed, you have my deepest condolences and are in my thoughts. To those injured, I’m sending you speedy recovery wishes. To the person(s) responsible for this, I hope you rot in hell for perpetuating this cowardly act on innocent men, women, and children.

Until next time … prayers for Boston.

Mar 14 2013

Putting Things in Perspective

Posted on 14 March, 2013 by TheDailyMel

If you read my Wednesday Weigh In post yesterday, you probably picked up on my whining about how sick I’ve been this year. Admittedly, missing three full weeks of work over the past two months definitely isn’t a good thing, nor is being on one’s fourth round of antibiotics. However, sometimes it takes getting some horrible news from someone else to really put your own petty little problems into perspective.

I’m not going to delve into specifics of the news I heard this morning because I know several of my readers are also friends with this particular person and I respect the family’s privacy during this time. Personally, I can’t even imagine going through what this dear friend’s family is having to work through right now. It’s completely unimaginable and my heart aches for them.

I guess my point of this post is just as a reminder that regardless of what petty little things we have going on in our lives, there’s always someone else out there dealing with something far worse. So, to my dear friend, please know that you and your family are in my thoughts as you deal with this horrific situation. Love you!!! xoxo

Until next time …

Feb 28 2013

Bittersweet Goodbyes

Posted on 28 February, 2013 by TheDailyMel

Every now and again, the time comes when one has to step back and take stock with where things are in their life and where they are going. For me, that time came a few weeks ago.

After the New Year arrived, I really started taking a long hard look at myself and doing an inventory of my life. I started to measure how I’ve been doing in accomplishing the things I want to do. Sadly, I realized I’ve not been doing very well because I’ve simply been spreading myself far too thin. I realized it was time I needed to change some things, and that’s just what I’ve been doing. I decided it was time for me to be a little more “selfish” with my time in order to actually make some time for ME.

I know, it seems like such a simple concept, right? Sadly, it’s one that I’ve struggled with my entire life. I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser who put the needs of everyone else in front of my own. I would take on more and more responsibility and obligations just because I didn’t want to risk hurting someone’s feelings by saying no. Of course, I think a lot of it also stems from my struggles as a perfectionist and just not wanting to admit to myself that I simply couldn’t do it all. It seems that lesson has finally sunk in which means it’s time to do something about it.

As many of you probably know, for the past couple of years I’ve been a Contributing Writer over at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans. They have always been such an amazing support system for me. Some of us even did a half marathon through the Team in Training program and raised over $40,000 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in the process! We’ve trained together. We’ve partied together. We’ve laughed together. We’ve even cried together at times. To say I love those women would be a massive understatement!

This is where the whole bittersweet part comes into play. After giving it much thought, I’ve made the decision that it’s time for me to step down as a writer there. This wasn’t an easy decision to make and I struggled over it with a very heavy heart for a few weeks. I have loved every minute I’ve been a part of the Shrinking Jeans editorial team, and that will never change. Oh, and for those worrying, I’m not leaving Shrinking Jeans completely! I’ll still be there participating in challenges, commenting on posts, etc., I just won’t be a writer. You didn’t seriously think you could get rid of me that easily now, did you? Who knows, you still might even see me pop in every now and again over there for a guest post. Just sayin’ …

Ultimately, what this decision all comes down to is the need to just refocus on myself for a while. Not only did I step down at Shrinking Jeans, but I’ve also pared back on some of the other things. I deleted some of the social media apps off my phone. In fact, I actually deleted a couple of accounts entirely. (I’m lookin’ at you, Foursquare!) It’s all part of just getting myself grounded again and not feeling the need to be SO connected at every moment of every day.

What this all comes down to is about making time to really focus on my weight loss and fitness goals again. It’s about focusing on the big push with school in preparation of graduating later this year. It’s about making time to start posting here on my on blog on a more regular basis again. It’s about making time for a couple of my hobbies that help reduce my stress levels which keeps me from going insane. It’s about just having time to sit and be present in the moment of the day without feeling the need that I should be checking in on something online all the time. It’s about having time to just be quiet and simply … be.

In closing, I just really want to thank all of the amazing women over at The Sisterhood, both past and present, for all of the love and encouragement they’ve shown me during my time as a writer. I know that’s not going to change just because I’m stepping down, but I just wanted to publicly acknowledge my appreciation and deep respect for each and every one of them. So, to Christy, Melissa A., Lisa, Heather, Christie, Thea, April, Nancy, Karena, Mary, and the newest writer, Melissa S., please know that you will always have a special place in my heart. I love you, skanks!

Until next time …

Jan 16 2013

Wednesday Weigh In {Jan. 16}

Posted on 16 January, 2013 by TheDailyMel

Wednesday Weigh-In I can’t believe another week has gone by already. This year needs to just slow it’s roll a little bit because it’s just moving waaaaaaay too fast for my liking. Anyone else feel the same way?

It’s time for another weekly Wednesday Weigh In for me. I headed to my Weight Watchers meeting on Sunday morning and weighed in down another 2.8 pounds this week and a total of 7 pounds thus far in the New Year’s Weight Loss Challenge over at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans. Woo Hoo!!

I actually don’t think I’ve really talked about my reset here on the blog. I did talk about it with a couple of friends though. I basically reached a point where I knew I needed to just wipe the slate clean and start over completely fresh. While I do accept and realize that I’m still down a good chunk of weight from my all-time highest weight, that all-time high weight was actually about 10 years ago now. It just started feeling very disingenuous to be counting my current loss from that point.

The final straw that lead me to making the reset decision was coming across a quote from Ashley over at Coffee Cake and Cardio. It was on the page where she was discussing her own weight loss and it resonated exactly how I’ve been feeling.

“I have had to close the book on my past weight loss and look at my present as a new start.”

This summed up perfectly what I needed to do. It was time for me to close the book on not just my past weight loss success, but on my past weight loss failures and regained pounds, too. I’m no longer that same person who lost nearly 140 pounds ten years ago. I’m older. My hormone levels have changed due to having a hysterectomy several years ago. My ability to do high intensity workouts has changed due to having a spinal fusion five years ago and knee surgery last year. Given all these changes, there’s no reason I should expect my weight loss efforts to be the same they were in the past.

So, after discussing it with my Weight Watchers leader, we did a complete reset of my membership. My weigh in on the day after Christmas was my new starting weight. I have new 5% and 10% goals. I have an all new weight record. All of my past weigh-in history in eTools was reset. It’s like I’m a brand new spanking member and it’s been extremely liberating in how I look at my weight loss. I’ve been 100% on program since my reset on Dec. 26. In that time, I’ve lost a total of 9.2 pounds.

I’m not saying everyone who has been struggling should do a complete reset like I did. However, if you feel like you’re getting mired down by your past successes and/or failures and it’s keeping you from being successful in the here and now, please just know it’s always an option.

Until next time …